Homework for the Overactive Brain

Today's Quote--"Happy birthday to me, Happy birthday to me..."

Wednesday, October 29, 2003

 

Today's Quote--"International students are like half-tamed wild animals. Play nice and everything goes along smashingly. But the moment you make one quick move or startle them, off they go."--Me

I just want to go run around and scream...no, it has nothing much to do with life here in Japan...it's my American life that's driving me nuts! From my friend's blogs, I don't think anything is wrong, but my Mom is worried about the huge fire in California...and of course she's gone and affected me. Plus I can't get into my school email any longer, so that kind of freaks me out...especially since we're supposed to be registering soon (don't know when...it'll be in an email to my school account...plus all that info that I need to make a descion...and what about advisor stuff? How is that supposed to work?)...And essentially, I am just freaked out about going home. Now that it's closer than leaving (barely), it's on my mind. iiiiiiiyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

I wonder if a person can decide to be crazy...would life be easier if you were crazy? I mean, if you aren't in this reality any more, things make so much more sense, right? No? Hmmm, grrrrr. Maybe I'll just stay here. There aren't 100 new people wandering around my house thinking it's theirs...mainly because it is. There haven't been 3 months worth of stuff that went on that I don't even have a clue about that's changed the dynamics of my house until I don't know where it's safe to step any more. There aren't people who expect me to know everything. There isn't the preassure that I need to do all this before I can graduate, and no, that 10 hours a week in that class, yeah, no that doesn't count. Oh and by the way, you need to take this class in order to graduate, but it's only offered at the same time as this other class that you need to graduate...and oh, well, you should've done that before you left for your little study abroad trip, because God knows it was all fun and games there and you didn't do anything constructive, so you should've been preparing for this Capstone experience that you have to do before you graduate even though no one knows what the hell it's supposed to be. And where is all the money going to come from? Why do I have to prepare for a future, that I'm not even sure I want anymore? Why do other people get to decide what's going on without me? Why am I all alone, and why can't I change it? What, the fuck, is this supposed mission I have? Cause I don't have a clue and I'm too scared to try and find out anymore. Oh yes, we want you to come back and go right back to the life you lived before because those four months you were gone were nothing, meant nothing, did nothing to you , didn't change you irrecrovably...but who cares since you can't even spell that word?! AND WHY does it always seem that people smile at you while they work against you? Like so much at home. ARGH! I just want to be happy. To make people around me happy. And here I am, pissed off and only making other people's lives miserable. Great. Somedays, I think there's just no point. I know there is, but all I want to do is sleep. I want peace. I want quiet. I want something simpler than this madhouse existance where the only thing people care about is how many figures in your income. And yeah, I just want us all to get along. It's too much to ask, I know, because there are so many assholes in this world. Stupid people who only think about themselves. All I want is for someone to think of me once in a while, so that I when I consider them, I don't feel like I'm doing all the work. It's too much to ask. I know. I just want to go back to my planet...where people are nice, where money doesn't matter, where people work because they want to work, and things get done because they need to be done. I don't know where my planet is any more. Can't anyone give me directions?

GL 9:56 PM