Homework for the Overactive Brain

Today's Quote--"Happy birthday to me, Happy birthday to me..."

Sunday, August 24, 2003

 

Today's Quote--"Though we travel the world over to find the beautiful, we must carry it with us or we find it not."--Emerson
I leave tomorrow...I can't believe it got here so quickly. It seems like just a little while ago I was sitting impatiently in yet another SAII meeting, waiting for Alex to shut up so I could get to the really important stuff, like homework, studying, pool. ;) And tomorrow, I'm off to do this thing. I know I'm not the first to have left, and certainly I'm not the last, in this round, but seeing as it's me...well, I'm a little nervous. Okay, that's a lie...I'm very nervous. But I'm feeling better about it every minute that ticks away. I guess I'm rationalizing. I mean, why would I go through all this rigamaroe if I didn't want to? Hmmm. I'm going to miss taking Psych courses. Okay, I'm going to miss a lot of things, and most especially, people.

I turn twenty in a few days. It feels like it should be a pivital moment in my life, but I doubt it will feel awsome then. I'll be with a group of strangers who have probably by then become aquantances. Oy. Who's going to interrupt my studying with a fun little surprise party? ;) Ok, so that's not important, but even though I've spent the last two birthdays away from my parents (I think 18 was more difficult than 19), I at least was surrounded by loving friends...you know, my SUA bros and sis'tas. E once talked about feeling 20 when she turned it...and I think she succeeded. As for me, I've felt 20 for the past few months now...even misspoke a few times. I know it's kinda like the end of childhood, but I'm ready to be out of it...though I wish I could go back. It's an odd feeling. Like leaving all you know to be safe and comfortable behind, and moving on to more responsibility and uncertainty ahead. Everyone's been asking me what I plan to do after I graduate from SUA...I still don't know. I've got some definate ideas...but...I've been saving all my mental efforts in that realm for SA...Now, I have to start thinking about it all. Aside from being 20, I'm now a Junior in college. It seems like such a short time ago I was only a Junior in high school. How time flies when you're not paying attention. *sigh*

Since I'm leaving tomorrow morning and going for a 2 week trip when I get there, this will likely be the last post you'll see for a while, hence the waxing poetic on my birthday. There are so many things I'm thinking about, worrying about, that I can't even process them all. I feel overwhelmed and undersupported (by only my own mind, mind you...everyone around me is bushels of help...myself, however...). It's easier to feel sad and depressed than to look forward into the future with optimisim. I can do it, at least on the outside, but sometimes, deep down, I'm still crying. I'm an emotional person, at heart, so I guess that's not surprising. I can carry logic through everything, but in the end, I'm still just a jumbled heap of emotions and logic doesn't seem to work. *sigh*

I've got myself a journal to write in, physically, so I guess I'll be posting excerpts from that while I'm in Japan...or you know, maybe some new stuff too. If I can post, that is. *sigh* I don't like all this uncertainty. I don't like not knowing what's going to happen. Which is why I like to write stories...if I write it, I'll know exactly what's going on in everyone's mind and exactly what's going to happen. But, of course, I realize that uncertainty is a part of life, and usually a good thing too. Because as much as that pessimist in me denies it, uncertainty means that when something incredibly good happens, you are surprised, happy, and truely appreciate it. If you knew what was coming, there would be no reason to appreciate good things, or good people. Aside from Japanese, there's a lot of stuff I need to work on. Which I know is why I'm going alone. There's a lot inside me that needs some tweaking, and this is just another opportunity to do it. I hope I can live up to my own expectations.

Anyway...Tired now, been having a hard time sleeping this past week...nerves and excitement. Been doing a lot of shopping and preparations. Though the last three days have all been a lot of fun. Friday, Mom, Pappa, and I went out together...I'm likeing Pappa getting off work early, it means I get to spend some more time with him. Anyway we went to the Olive Garden for dinner...it was just fabulous! Yesterday Mom and I went out, did a little shopping, and hung out at the Davenport Hotel for an hour and a half...wow! It was so refreshing...It's a very old hotel downtown that was renovated and reopened last September...we've been wanting to go in it for a while. And today Pappa and I went and hit a bucket of balls up at the local golf course. I've got two blisters on my hand now, but it was fun.

Well, with no further ado, I'd better start packing...or at least thinking about it...hmm. ;) Talk to you all soon...

GL 1:01 PM