Homework for the Overactive Brain

Today's Quote--"Happy birthday to me, Happy birthday to me..."

Thursday, May 08, 2003

 

Today's Quote--"If you want a picture of the future, imagine a boot stamping on a human face--forever."--George Orwell, "1984"

Either my friends know me too well, or I am easier to read than a cheap magazine. How could they know my innermost thoughts. The ones I've been grappling with, fighting with, wrestling and tearing and biting and scratching with? To hear them aired in a place I wouldn't dare, to feel exposed with not a word out of my mouth! To realize I've been holding inside all of this and still everyone knows. To think that I am so lonely, that in every corner I see something I can't have but want so desperatly. How can I stand it?! How can one be frantic on paper? How can I share the madness of my thoughts. The butchery that goes on in my head everytime a new desire arises. No! I can't have that! I can't do that! I won't let myself think like that! How come it's perfectly okay for a man to just out and out jump on a woman...but never, ever, does the thought cross the minds of polite women to jump a man?! Then How come I have an urge that is nearly tangible on the tip of my tounge?! That I have to grip a table, a chair, a book, an idea of propriety to stop myself. I could scream in six thousand directions, if only I had the courage for words. Like 1984 I do "doublethink". I know the lies as I speak them to myself to calm myself and soothe myself and I fight with all those thoughts I can't have, I fight them, I push them around, I hit them and shake them until I think their truth comes loose and won't harm me any more...but no matter how hard, I cannot love big brother and I cannot end those thoughts and I simply wish to take action...but I know that consequences exist that I don't like. I don't like them and that is why I hold back, why I sit so quiet, why I smile and grin and bear, why I think so hard to stop thinking, why I wish silently that THEY would go away or come or something just to ease my mind. Anything to end this maddening circle of thought. Why? Why now? Why Them? Why Me? Why can I not be quiet, normal? Why can't I go back where I was? GODDAMNIT! I didn't ask to cross over...I didn't cross over, and I'm okay with that...now...but why can't I go back? It was hard...it was painful...but not like this. Not like I have this now. WHEN WILL THE TICKING STOP!!!!!!!!??????????????

GL 2:08 AM