Homework for the Overactive Brain

Today's Quote--"Happy birthday to me, Happy birthday to me..."

Monday, February 03, 2003

 

Today's Quote--"The dignity of man lies in his ability to face reality in all its meaninglessness."--Martin Esslin

I'm feeling rather useless and homesick. It's not true, but hormones are strong things. I feel like banging my head against a wall. Between feeling like crap physically, and feeling like crap mentally, I just want to snap myself out of it. I can't, but I want to. Right now, everything I do feels wrong, every little slight from someone, no matter intention, I feel like I've been slapped or dumped. I just want to sob and hide in my room, doing nothing. But, luckily for me and the world, I know where that'll lead to, and why I feel all this stupid s*** anyway.

Guys just don't understand. They think, huh, so what, a little pain never hurt anyone, but it's not just the cramps. It's the incessent headaches, naseau, back aches, inability to sleep, exhaustion, and of course the damn mood swings. I normally get grouchy, maybe a little more likely to perform some hysterics, but this damn depression stuff pisses me off. I don't need that crap on my plate, there are too many other things I need to worry about. I've sunk to my own personal hell, the one where I feel totally unloved and alone, which is a bunch of bulls*** 'cause I've got so many wonderful friends who care about me. Doesn't help some days though, knowing that. Knowing and feeling are two different things. Why am I so depressed all of a sudden? Hormones yeah, but normally I'm just grouchy. Is it exhaustion? Does THAT have something to do with it? I mean, it is the first time since then...well, maybe. But I don't want anyone to blame themselves for it. What the hell else was I supposed to do? Use a rope? Pah.

Maybe I'm just meant to be alone. Seems that no matter what happens, that's how I end up. I always have been, why should things change? Why the f*** would anyone want to spend time with bitchy, whining, clingy, pushy, hysterical, crabby, selfish, too smart, too stupid, dumbass like me? Jee, I dunno. 'Cause occasionally my stupid jokes are funny? 'Cause sometimes I can be almost pretty? 'Cause there are times when I truely care about people and am ready and willing to destroy myself helping them? Maybe. Maybe not.

Maybe I just need to take some more Midol...

GL 2:32 PM