Homework for the Overactive Brain

Today's Quote--"Happy birthday to me, Happy birthday to me..."

Tuesday, November 12, 2002

 

Why is it so painful to miss home so much? Everything has a starting point, but can we ever go back? Just to visit? Each year, each day, the world is different, I'm different. I can never go home to that place in time where things were different...And I think that is a good thing. But it hurts. Amazing, I'll never be a high school student again. Now I see where people say enjoy high school because it's the best years...blah, blah, blah. It was hard. It was painful. But I miss it like crazy. And it'll never come around again. So obviously, I need to focus on enjoying today, the now, these 'best years' and not refelect too much on my past that I can do nothing with other than learn from. Sure. Easily said, harder to do. I wish there was a rewind button...and a fast forward. Hell, I just wish there were buttons in general! Home. The peaceful place that spatters occasionally across my busy life. I go home, I enjoy the things that have stayed the same...but nothing is the same. My friends are changed, so am I. We can't ever get back to that place where we once were with each other. No way to recall the past, to relive it. *sigh*

I feel split. Two lives. But where do I fit? This one, the school one, the one that takes up most of my time and attention, will only last for another two and a half years...then where will I be? That other, the old one, the one I left behind when I came to this school life, the Spokane life, the family life, the SGI life, all of that, all of those things that felt so separate then feel so connected now, but that one, that old one, that one I miss so much...I can't fit back into it. It's changed while I've been gone. I know, I expected as much. But I feel like I'm floating between two poles, never really able to land on one or the other. No matter where I go, I'm me, but I'm different every place I go. There'll be a Japanese me at some point too. I wonder what she'll look like. So, I think everyone must feel something like this, right? We show different faces to every person we meet. It's a wonder so few people develop dissociative identity disorder...or maybe everyone has a milder form. But, the question is...is there a way to integrate these personalities into one whole? I don't know...I just don't know. I wonder if anyone does...

GL 11:30 PM