Homework for the Overactive Brain

Today's Quote--"Happy birthday to me, Happy birthday to me..."

Thursday, November 07, 2002

 

Today's quote--"There ain't no answer. There ain't gonna be any answer. There never has been an answer. That's the answer."--Gertrude Stein
In honor of all those who find Math and other such singleminded pursits a pain in the ass...you know who you are...;-)

Wow, another busy day, but okay. I'm exhausted, though. I let myself stay up late watching anime...tsk, tsk, tsk. Bad Cassie. Oh well. I survived. I worked, danced, and watched a great Chinese movie. Of course, the ball of my one foot hurts like hell, I think I've three or four blisters on it from dancing, grrrrr. But I'm gonna go dance at the swing club Saturday. I'm just sad I'll miss Ghungroo tomorrow...I have to work at the concert. *sigh* I haven't gone to it in 3 weeks. Grrr. Another oh well there too.

Well, last night was interesting...good, but interesting. I got to help people, which is always a positive experience, especially when those people are your loved ones and close friends. Okay, now for the depressed part...you can stop reading now, I just want to vent.

There are so many things in my head that I want to get out, but can't be said, can't be written, can't be forgotten. But who do I tell them to? I would want someone who would never meet these people in my life, so they would never be biased by my skewed perceptions. Obviously, though, I can't walk up to some random stranger and pour out my heart and soul. Well, I guess I could, but I would like to keep my image of sanity, at least for a little longer. I guess this is where people would say, talk to your best friend...hummm, well, that brings up another point. I've got many close friends, so wonderful, careing, thoughtful, fun, and trustworthy. But I can't see any of them as 'best' friends...maybe my childhood has made it hard for me to feel like I can open up to people...too many sucky friends who I trusted too much to. *sigh* That sounds terrible, like I don't trust any of these people, who I love so much, I do, but...Well...here's a question...is it possible to have more than one best friend? More than two? What qualifies as a best friend...I wish I knew...I wish there was a manual. And what is my problem that I feel the need to unload myself on someone else? Ack. I can't open up to people completely but that's my one wish, is to blurt out all of this nonesense that inhabits my brain. Is this just the insecure me coming out, asking for attention, recognition? Go to a counselor babe, except I don't know where to start...I've got so much to say, but no words to start off the flow...where is that Goddamned valve? Ahh, who knows...maybe I'm just PMSing and getting depressed...but I'm not depressed...I feel fine. I just have this question, this need if I dare call it that. What the hell. You know what? I really need to stop thinking about what I don't have, stop mourning things I don't even know if I'm missing, and start appreciating the wonderful joys and friends I do have.

Yeah, well, I guess that little rant would be one of those things I'd want to stop a complete stranger and harass them about. Okay...sometime soon, I'm making an appointment with Marcia. And I have no idea what the hell I'm gonna talk with her about...but I guess...I have all these great people who'll listen to my problems and take care of me, but I feel like I'm always whining and complaining to them, that I'm just seeking sympathy from them. I love them too much to bother them with all the little, inconsequential crap that means nothing to anyone except my twisted little brain. *sigh* Okay. M's job is to listen...so I'm sure she'll get an earful from me. Ha. Yeah, if not an earful, then a trashcan full of tissues...why do I always cry at the littlest things? If I talk a lot, my eyes water...especially if I'm talking about memories or stuff like that.

Hummm...Right. Well...must watch an anime episode and do some more homework. Joy of joys...Peace Studies. LOL. Well, I feel better writing that out...Again, nobody worry about me. This is my usual state. I'm gonna work on it...I'm gonna go talk to M at some point...God, I hope I don't put it off too long. I always do. Anyway. Off we go!

GL 10:54 PM