Homework for the Overactive Brain

Today's Quote--"Happy birthday to me, Happy birthday to me..."

Tuesday, November 12, 2002

 

Today's quote--"An editor--a person employed on a newspaper, whose business it is to separate the wheat from the chaff, and to see that the chaff is printed"--Elbert Hubbard
Ahh the sheer, unending, painful, tediousness of it all...*sigh* and why am I still sitting here? Listening to this over and over again. My eyes are dropping...staying up late to fold, might not have been the smartest move ever...Oy. And I have my psych midterm today. Joy of joys. drinking coffee, hope to wake up, before test. This class is not' helping anything. It's making me sleepy, more sleepy, more tired.

Must listen to my happy song, my new favorite song of the moment, "it's gonna rain". Soooo great. It makes me very happy when I listen to it...kinda uplifting and goodness. Got my tickets, going home soon, only 39 days. Bonnie time that'd be 37 days, 'cause she doesn't count today or the day of arrival...I don't know, she just has her own time frame. Whatever. I wanna go sleepy now! I wanna go home and visit...hug my cat, hug my Mom, hug my Guy. Sleep in my big, warm bed in my big cozy room in the house I've grown up in. On the street where the kids come home from school at 3:15 everyday, yelling and screaming, running down the hill, clunk, clunk,clunk. The wind blowing through the trees, the windchimes, the windows. The bare branches reaching up to the sky, framing that great big yellow ball, the sun. The robin's egg blue sky over the houses, over the yellowing grass, wet with due from the cold, white from the frost. Bundled up, cloudy breath, warm soup, and fuzzy cats. Sitting at home, on the couch, watching the news, waiting for Pappa to come home to eat our soup and sandwiches, relaxing after school, getting ready to do homework...Where did I do my homework? On my bed, at the kitchen table, on the couch during commercials, next to the computer in whichever room it happened to be. Solitare...Mom's hobby. With a cat on the lap and another on top of the computer. So happy, quiet, comfortable. Home. *sigh*

I'll be all right. I'll get there soon. I've got my tickets. I just have to wait, survive, finals, papers, projects. I can do it, I've done it before. 4 classes is a killer, though. It seems like my future is rushing to meet me, and I want it to slow down, but speed up. When you were five and someone asked you what you were going to do when you grew up, you never realized that you were never going to grow up, that grown ups are really just big kids with a lot of responsibility. They want to run crying to their mommies too, they want to throw tantrums when things go wrong, they want to sit and play with their friends. But the world doesn't work that way and we can't ever get back to being 5 again, though we'll remember those joys for our entire lives. The future is big, and scary. I look forward to it, but it frieghtens me. I wish I could curl up and hide from it, or see it from here and judge what is to come, so I can change it now...but I can't see that, I have to deal with what I've got here, now. I am afraid of the UNKNOWN, because it is so large, and there are so many possibilities. But fear does nothing but paralize. I'm stuck, unable to move...but is this simply a Hysterical disorder? Are my muscles atrophied or am I faking unconsciously? When you're five, the world seems so big, and you think to yourself, when I'm older, I'll understand, I'll see, I'll be like Mom and Dad and know everything. I'm here, I'm one of those 'adults' and there is nothing, nothing that I understand. Nothing I see clearly. The thing that sustains us when we're five is hope, hope that things will make sense in the future. I'm in the future now, and I'm still hoping that the future will make sense of this all. There is hope, like a small candle wavering in the wind, lighting my life. I have looked back and seen the path I've taken, made sense of my struggles. I know that what I'm in now, will be the same in the future, but...*sigh* I'll discover the truth someday. :)

GL 11:04 AM