Homework for the Overactive Brain

Today's Quote--"Happy birthday to me, Happy birthday to me..."

Thursday, February 03, 2005

 

Yeah, I'm still alive. Thought I'd update for ya'll.

That's it. I'm done with The Pearl. Whether it's through little mistakes, one person who doesn't like me, or a general consperacy...I don't feel appreciated. At all. And it's not just today...it's been since the beginning of this school year. It may not be true, and sure people have said they appreciate me, but let me tell you, actions speak louder than words. A lot louder. I need to gripe...'cause it's really pissing me off.

I've done a lot for The Pearl. No, I wasn't there the first year, but I contributed two letters to the editor. The second year I plunged right in. Whatever I could do to help. Whenever it was needed and I could. I was there. Last year I nearly dropped all my clubs, but I kept going with The Pearl. I did my best to help N out and did my best to help our newspaper change. And keep going. I was living in my own personal hell and I was there for The Pearl. Last semester...I was overwhelmed. Really...I was taking 7 classes, despite three being kinda light, it was still a lot of work. Plus starting my Capstone. I couldn't do as much as I had in the past for The Pearl. I would collapse under it all if I tried. So I said I didn't want to write any more, but that I would be there for printing, folding, editing, and if they were desperate for a writer, I would do my best. That's what I said. Someone heard, "Don't talk to me again, I'm too busy." And that was just the beginning.

Now I know I'm not the most influential person on The Pearl. I don't really need to have any position of power or my name in the paper every month (although being the attention hog I am, I do love that), I just want my efforts to be appreciated. And I don't mean I want some sweet and sappy thank's note. I feel I deserve to be kept in the loop. I feel I deserve to be asked to help with those things I offered to help with. I feel my ideas should be listened to and not simply seen as "you're just trying to contridict me, aren't you." They don't have to done, I just deserve the hearing. That's all really. None of that is really that hard to do, and gee, it might even be helpful to The Pearl.

But now? Now, I'm done with The Pearl. Fuck 'em. One too many straws upon this camel's back and I can't take feeling like an insignificant nobody who just screws things up everytime I show up. I have better things to do with my time than to feel like shit because people treat me that way. Maybe, yeah, I'm 'exaggerating', but if I'm taking things out of context, so be it, I'm taking them from my context, which is all I know, since no one else has bothered to try and explain any other one to me.

Last night I went to help fold. anD asked, so I went. Fine...I always used to like folding. Not a big deal. Today I get an email from N..."O, R, and I folded 230 issues last night." Fine. I folded some of those. Yeah, me. I told N on Tuesday that I would open up the newsroom to do folding if he needed me to. "Sure, but I'll have to find someone who can stay." Thanks for assuming I'm an asshole who would just open the door and leave. Went to the strategic planning meeting for The Pearl. My group mate said, "you're just disagreeing with everything I'm saying, aren't you." Yeah, 'cause I'm just that kind of a person, I'll disagree with outstanding ideas on general principle. NO! I was making suggestions too. Bite me. I showed up to editing every single month last year, even when some of the section editors didn't come. And I fixed some of their mistakes. I can edit. Really, I can. Anyone ask me to come to an editing party? No, of course not. I'm not a section editor. Actually, it appears that to The Pearl as a whole, I'm not much of anything. Fine. If I'm not wanted, I'll leave. I don't have time in my life to deal with stupid bull-shit like this. No one wants me there, no one will have to deal with me there.

The question is, should I email my feelings to someone, or not? If I do, I can't go back. If I do, I won't get emails any more. If I don't, I may start bottling this anger. I'll have to consider.

Anyway, off the rant. Ed and I celebrated our 1 year dating anniversary...and the day I get back from Spring Break will be our 1 year engagement anniversary. Yeah, they aren't far apart...:) Oh yes, and today is the 1 year anniversary of my grandmother's passing. Been kinda thoughtful about that. It really made me consider my own mortality a lot more. I was never really close to her, but I miss her. I wish I could have seen her before she died...you know, not like 11 years...okay 12 years ago. I also wish I could have gone to her funeral. I hope I can go when my other grandmother passes...hopefully in several years, although things are looking doubtful. Or at least the memorial service my dad had when he came home from her funeral. I think I needed that closure. Oh well, gotta live with it.

As for this semester in general...light class load, loving piano and ceremics, Psych is okay, and my Capstone is looming like...well...a big evil stone. Overhead. Eeeee. But hey, less then 100 days until graduation...oh, wait, I'm kinda not excited about that!!!!! I'm really gonna miss everyone! (note the reference to The Pearl as a Whole, not individuals so much). As always, tired all the time and feeling like there is simply too much to do...and no motivation to do it! Hurray, senioritis. Well...most of you know the rest...I'll try and update again before I go on Spring Break. Would that be good enough? ;) All right, maybe sooner.

GL 4:41 PM