Homework for the Overactive Brain

Today's Quote--"Happy birthday to me, Happy birthday to me..."

Thursday, November 18, 2004

 

And mine is telling me I'm way stressed out. I've got a cold, aches, the whole nine yards...not to mention a new stress rash under my eye...yep, my body's trying to say something!

As busy as ever, just too much stuff, frustration, and good, to even mention it all. But Ed visits next week (HURRAY!!!). I really need the time off. It'll be good I think, and I also think I may yet survive this crazy weekend. Will I actually go to the student festival? The part I'm not performing in? Hmm, maybe for a wee bit.

I'm just tired of people trying to tell me what to do. Yeah, I need a kick in the butt sometimes, but I don't need to be bossed, or volunteered without my consent. I guess it comes down to the fact that everyone thinks they know what's best for me, but I'm the only one who lives in this body, this life, and I need to decide what's good and what's not. Even though sometimes I can't, or don't, until a little late. I'm growing up, I need to make my mistakes and learn from them. I can't stand the sappy idealism or the demanding religiousity. I will make up my own mind, do my own thing, and if I'm wrong, I'll find out. And I may or may not change. But it's my life, let me live it.

Yeah, been having emotional issues again too. Just so stressed, it seems like, I can't deal well with little things that normally I would just blow off. Every time I need to be nice, change my behavior, take something lightly, I just feel so tired. It's too much work. And such nasty things come out of my mouth. I feel bad, but by the time it comes out...it's too late. But that doesn't make me a bad person...does it? Often I mean it as a joke, but rarely do people understand and take it that way. What happened to the days of friendly insults?

Sure, Cassie hasn't blogged in such a long time, and now she just sits around bemoaning life. Well, I figure I've lost most of my readership anyway, by now. Besides, sometimes, I feel like I bemoan too much in real life to people. I hate how much I complain, but complaining makes me feel better about things. Especially when others agree, have similar complaints, or at least nod when I'm talking to them. I guess I'm just selfish like that.

I've found myself with a lot to say and no where to say it. In my conversations I come up with things I want to express, to say, but it just never gets out. I've been working so hard in classes, trying to control myself and let others have their say, that now I have issues trying to break into conversations. Not saying I do a good job in classes, but I really do try, and I really am conscious of every time I talk. I guess that's not much comfort to some.

I'm a busibody and a know-it-all. And somedays, I feel really bad about that. I want to know what's going on with people, good and bad, and sometimes I just have all the answers to the questions. That doesn't mean I'm mean about it...I just am. Again, probably not a comfort to some who've been overly harassed by me.

I just feel confused and tired. Always tired. This growing up bit is a hell of a lot harder than anyone told us when we were young. The thought of being out on my own is scary and beautiful at the same time. The thought of being married is scary and beautiful. I want to go out there and be involved in the community, have a job, make new friends, earn my keep and keep my keep, live a life, but some days I wonder if I can...emotionally, physically, economically. SUA is comfortable, but it's beginning to be stifling too.

I don't want to leave all my wonderful friends, my wonderful teachers, this home I have made, but I can't wait to get out of here and begin something new. I'm tired of the bull shit, the daily hassels, and the stupid people. I'm tired of mass emails, festivals, and capstone discussions. I can live here for another six months, but my only tears at graduation will be for my friendships, which will, of course, be harder to maintain afterwards.

I feel jaded, but I also feel that that's okay. Sometimes I have enough to deal with within my own life that I don't want to think about the starving children in Africa, the poor political prisoners in Isreal, the billions of unhappy people around the world. I just want to make it one less, maybe twelve, if I'm having a good day. I just want to be a good citizen of my community...I can't feel responsible for anything larger. And this whole global citizen bull shit can just fly out the window. I know and appreciate the world, I think about what's going on in far off places, but I can only change what is right in front of me, and sometimes, not even that.

Anyway...So I voted for the first time in this election. Yeah, Bush won...makes me feel like my vote really counted (*snort*). Bastard. I am scared for the next four years...he's probably going to royally fuck up our country...well, more than he has already...and I don't know if I want to live here any longer. But, since I'm in such a bind (kinda hard to leave now), I'll just try to ignore the fact that we have an idiot monkey man as our 'fearless leader' (*snort*), and go on living my life as if he didn't exist. Wouldn't that be nice? Ah well...eventually, right?

I've started volunteering with BF on Monday afternoons as a teaching assistant for music at an elementary school. Only two days so far, but it's good. I think I would enjoy teaching 3-6 graders. Kindergartners are just too wild...3rd graders are interesting. They're just beginning to look at the world in a variety of ways and they come up with interesting ideas. I kinda like 'em. Fifth graders have more knowledge and can be more articulate. I like that too. I feel like I can have a conversation about something with the fifth graders. It's kinda cool. I'm of course still leaving things open. Two days isn't enough to decide anything, but I'm beginning to think I would like to teach elementary school. The only problems come when I think about whether I would want to do it for the rest of my life...maybe I will get my psychology PhD eventually. I just can't handle 6 more years of school. I think I'd die. A year and a half to get a masters and teaching certificate is just beautiful.

Yeah, so I feel like things are coming together, but at the same time, I feel like I need to start pulling on threads to get it to make sense. Maybe I'll be more sure next semester. Ah yes, next semester...I'm taking beginning ceremics, psych 400 (attribution, motivation, emotion), Capstone, and bible and buddhism. I might drop bible and buddhism...but maybe not, might just make it P/NP. And then I'll graduate (hopefully). Pretty crazy...

Well, now that I've written a small novel to get everyone back up to date, I guess I'll go. It'll probably be another month before I write again...such is my life currently. Many papers and tests loom. *shrug* Yep, such is life here. *cough, cough* Oh hush, body, I know...I know...

GL 9:13 PM