Homework for the Overactive Brain

Today's Quote--"Happy birthday to me, Happy birthday to me..."

Sunday, May 02, 2004

 

I think perhaps we know loneliness most when we have just spent time with those we love and suddenly find them gone.
Reason for my suddenly down mood? Hmmm...dunno. They come around so easily with me! Maybe thinking about the International festival yesterday. I had a few realizations, and yeah.

Realization 1. I'm old. I don't have the stamina to stay up late and get up early. I know my parents would laugh, but really, I'm not up for crazy times any longer. My body nearly fell apart on me before it was done...here I sit, with a huge bruise on my knee, both of them not wanting to function, a huge blister on my foot, and sore everywhere else. I had serious issues about moving yesterday morning. Oy.

Realization 2. I'm tired. I've lost the enthusaism to promote Soka to every body I meet. I can smile and spout the same garbage I have been, but it's not as meaningful as it once was.

Realization 3. I'm not a Soka performer. I happen to believe that the end result, the final performance, is no where near as important as the road we take to get there. Apparently this is 'incorrect' and that no matter how hard it is for us to go to practice or whatever, as long as we are able to perform well and "share our soka spirit with the audience" it'll be worth while. Well, I'm sorry, but I think that the personal growth I go through by challenging myself to care about your stupid festival is more than enough. If we don't enjoy practices, if we don't enjoy dancing/singing/painting/working, then why should we do it? I think we need sleep. I think we don't need to freak out about every last detail. But hey, I'm just a junior who's done this several times now...I mean, really, what do I know? Freshmen...you're not here for their first semester and they automatically assume you're stupid and have no idea what SUA is all about. So help me, if one of them tries to explain Soka Spirit to me...I'm going to punch them in the nose...honest to God.

Realization 4. I'm lonely. I miss all my close friends. A lot. There are people here who I enjoy being with...but I've become a hermit. Yes. It's my fault. And Yes, partly it's because of Ed. But the honest truth is, he's so busy with work and school, I don't see him as often as you would think...I feel like I have no one to hang out with (so I sit in my room doing nothing), eat meals with (consequently I've stopped eating as much or as often), or share all of my stuff with (so it festers instead). Although I can console myself with the knowledge they'll be back soon...what am I going to do after I graduate? I don't want to be that lonely young woman who's only contacts with the outside world are her man and her family. I need to challenge that.

But really? I'm not in the mood. I'm so exhausted from preparing for this festival (and what really did I do? Not much) that I've ceased to care. What am I doing right now? Waiting. For phone calls. Either from Ed or Home. *sigh* I need to do D's, but I can't muster the strength. I'd probably be less down. But all I want to do is lay back down and go back to sleep. I hope I get over it soon!

Right...so, yeah.

GL 5:12 PM