Homework for the Overactive Brain

Today's Quote--"Happy birthday to me, Happy birthday to me..."

Wednesday, December 03, 2003

 

Today's Quote--"Good bye everybody, I've got to go. Gotta leave you all behind and face the truth."--Queen, "Bohemian Rhapsody"
Feels like what I'm about to do in 15 days...good bye everybody, I've got to go home. I've gotta leave you all behind and face the truth of my reality. I am an SUA student, and so I must return. I must go back to the old grindstone and wear down all my rough edges, wear down all my edges, until nothing is left but the stub, the real final whole total original me. I'm scared, I know it's going to be very hard. How long can I claim reverse culture-shock for my bad grades? I know I've mellowed a bit with age, but grades are still a little important to my ego. Oh yes, my ego has gotten bigger, my self-confidence has grown, my waist line has shrunk incredibly though.

Sometimes nothing feels real, it seems like all this worry, all this action, all of it, is mearly part of a dream from which I will wake, most likely still tired. I can distance my self from it all too easily, can hide in my quiet little mind-worlds too easily. How can I live? Hmmm, it is a conundrum I'm not sure I can crack, and not sure I can crack in time. This blind blitz into the future is too scary...I want to open my eyes and see, but every time I blink the view changes and I don't know what's real, what's fantasy, what's possible. Speeding into the future, it's impossible to distinguish the words of wisdom from the rushing wind that makes me deaf to the world. Someone has hit the high-speed fast-forward button on my life, and I just want to slow it down. And yet, everyday it all goes by faster and faster...high school disappeared in a blink of an eye, college is going by even faster. Why are we all rushing headlong towards death, determined that we will live forever?

Lies are hard to stop. You tell someone one and then you begin to believe it. In the end, it is all lies. But the truth is there, has always been there, will always be there, and it too is made up of lies, lies that have truth. Examples, everyone wants examples, wants translations, but sometimes, things just are. You can't explain. You can't translate. Is. Are. Life is life is living. There are no examples, no translations in the instruction book. There are expectations, goals, but no sure fire path to the end. A moment is an eternity and we must live it as such. But yet, I only wish to savor the flavors of eternity, to live it fully. But I am pushed through, pushed down the stairs, by those who want to get to the end goal, those around me who see life as a means to an end, not realizing that there is no end and that the journey is the only reason one needs. Sometimes it feels like this journey is really a cheap tour, a one size fits all deal, and I want to change it, I want it to be the best tour for me. Can I do it? I have to, I can't continue the lies that I too am just a one size fits all kinda gal, that this hustle for death is exciting.

My life is like a wild horse, running around with no clue what is going on. I see so much, do so much, but I feel out of control. Perhaps it's only because I am frightened of this break neck speed, of this senseless dashing, that I need to bring it all under control. You can take an animal out of the wild, but you can't take the wild out of the animal. No matter how much I actually do to gain control, there will always be something to rip it right out of my hands, and yes, that is the way things are. Outside, always outside, we place the blame. I need to understand that I cannot control it all, and then I need to let go. Because the horse I'm riding will find the safest path down the mountain for both of us, because it wants to survive too. I will be all right, but right now, I'm still not sure. The world spins, the seasons change, and my head spins with it all. Perhaps, in the end, I will see it all again in slow motion. What? I hope I find out.

Must plan for the future, and live in the moment. How can I make this crazy world make sense in my head? My heart? Live each moment as if it were my last, but still look forward. How? Working to understand it every minute of everyday. Where is the balance? Where is the place that I can live in? What do I have to do to use this life to its fullest potential? I will find out someday. Soon, I hope.

Well, I was going to write a fun blog, but my mind has been thinking too hard again, the Overactive Brain. I will save my fun points for another day, then. ;) But the biggest change in me right now is that I can see all this, feel all of it, and not be angry or upset...I am simply pondering. And now, hopefully, so are you.

GL 9:07 PM