Homework for the Overactive Brain

Today's Quote--"Happy birthday to me, Happy birthday to me..."

Tuesday, February 04, 2003

 

Today's Quote--"The mob has many heads but no brains."--Thomas Fuller

Where am I? Is this High school? Is this college? Is this SGI land? Is this the home of the beginnings of some strange cult? Is this an insane aslym? What planet are we on? Where am I going? And why am I here? What does this place have that I am here and that I will go forth from? How do I get out? Do I want to get out? How will I ever deal with all of this that I am and am not and am here for? Who are these people? These people around me, why are they here? Do they know and does it matter to me? What did we do in our collective pasts to end up here together in this isolated hill, hole, abyss, mountain? And how will we ever go anywhere, how will we ever get out, how will we ever move forward? If that is the goal...How and why and who and where and when and what and I and them and now and future and past and up and down and out and in and yes and no...

I have never seriously considered leaving this place. Yesterday I did. Too many things, strange, scary, wrong things happened. Not even abnormal things, just the same everyday stuff...but my view of them all changed. I felt strangled. I felt trapped. I felt afraid, terrified. Not just for me, for the future of this place. I fear the SGI. It is my home, my family, my life. But yesterday, it frightened me. Who do we think we are, to be so demanding of others? No, that's not even it, not even right, not even the half of it. I was walking along the path of my life, viewing the grand views, and I felt clastrophobic. What are these walls? And where did they come from? I fear them too. Because they are so large, so thorny, I can't see a way to take them down. But even worse...you can only see them out of the corner of your eye. If you look for them, you can't find them, if you search every square inch of ground they don't exisit...but walk along, thinking everything's okay, and they loom up beside you, behind you, casting the shadows of doubt and fear over your path over you over your views over your future. How can anyone of us help someone out of their thorny box if we cannot even see our own to tear it down? How can I? I am scared of fear because it paralyzes me so.

My mind plays tricks on me, making me think everything is okay when it isn't or worse worse still worse yet making me think things are wrong when nothing has happened. Which is this? What am I missing...and can I find it again?

GL 1:47 PM