Homework for the Overactive Brain

Today's Quote--"Happy birthday to me, Happy birthday to me..."

Monday, November 18, 2002

 

I feel like I should have something profound to write...something amazingly soul searching, or at the very least, interesting. That's why I'm in college, right? To develop all those nifty skills of being able to think deeply and express it all, since I learned crap in High school...Yeah, well, all I've got to say for myself right now is that I'm terribly dizzy, I've wasted about 4 hours today just reading manga and not learning any Japanese from it, I miss home, my toliet's being dumb, and wonder of wonders, I've actually managed to finish my homework already. Despite all that. Tomorrows another busy day. Should go to sleep or something...rest or relax or something like that. Well, I will. Eventually. But it just feels wrong to go to bed before 11. Like everyone else on campus is up, working hard, doing stuff, and here I am, slacker that I am, going to bed early. What's up with that?

Bah, I worry too much about what other people think. Way too much. Then I get pissed at myself for worring about it. Well, I'm going to see M. on Wednesday, so maybe I can complain about that somewhere else. Or something. Still wondering what the hell I'm going to talk about, though I'm figuring 1st visit has to be some sort of get to know you session, right? If I was a therapist, that'd be my mine line of questioning...along with "why did you come to talk to me today"? Except I don't know the answer to that question. Something like I worry myself and others sometimes with my behavior. I don't even know which behaviors. Would it be the obssessive compulsive ones or the depressed ones? Can't tell. Maybe it's just that I feel like there's a space in my life for someone to talk to about the crazy things I think in my head. My need for attention and sympathy. My obsession with the opinions of others. My feelings of uselessness and other depressive thoughts. Hell, sometimes, I think I could diagnois myself with about 60 different disorders...but I know that none of them are impairing my ability to function enough to be actual disorders. Ha, the joy of taking a Psych disorder's class. I know why I don't have all these different disorders, as well as knowing which ones I'm close to having. Oy. Other than a specific phobia of hieghts, I don't have anything that disturbs me so much I can't function normally. I don't know, maybe I just want to be reassured that I'm mentally sound, even though I know I've got all kinds of things I want to improve in my life. Or maybe that other side of me is sneaking out, looking for sympathy. Humph, if I let it, I could become something of a pathological liar, always seeking sympathy. Good thing I watch myself. Sometimes, some thoughts just need to stay inside, put quietly away, never to see the light of day. *sigh*

Yeah, well, I'll leave the judgement of my mental state to someone who has a degree already. Or at least a lisence. I know she's got one, saw it in her office. Very reassuring. Too bad the office is bare of anything else. Of course, when you only spend 10 hours or less in a room per week, are you really inclined to decorate? Especially since you don't know how long you'll be around for. How sad. I miss D sometimes, but not a whole lot. He never struck me as the type that I could sit down with and work out my problems. I talked to him that one time everyone did. I think I got the same speil about interships as everyone else. Not really anything towards my mental health. Fine I guess, but now that I have access, I'm gonna use it. Especially since my friends have been encouraging me to talk to M. Must be something there that they see and I don't. Or I do see it, but it's in front of my nose and that spot is famous for my inability to understand what's hanging out there. As with everyone else. :) Okay...I'm gonna go to bed early. Whatever. Sleep is a good thing! *sigh* Unproductiveness is contageous. I've caught it baaaaaaaad....

GL 10:11 PM